Newsletters from Manhattan — The Big Apple blues

The Big Apple Blues

I wanna go home. I miss being depressed in Portland. Being depressed in New York is more depressing. It’s a bigger lonely. I’m always stuck inside the apartment, like stuck inside because of Eliot, stuck inside of Eliot and also stuck like I can’t get myself out even when I can. I’ve thought of contacting a local activist group I’ve checked out on Instagram but I’m too chicken. I want to say hi to an immigration attorney I know here but the thought of calling him paralyzes me because I’m sure he’ll think i’m stupid. I want to project onto the Statue of Liberty but it’s lit up at night so it wouldn’t work anyway.

I did a crazy thing the other day. I mean super crazy. I emailed Mike. Then I replied to my own email 3 times with the idea that he should come to New York for a couple days to make some art with me. Then I messaged him on Signal. A message I probably shouldn’t have sent but it was ok to last year so? I think he saw it but I really have no way of knowing or if he’s blocked my number. Later I message something generic just to see if it goes through i guess. I get only the one check mark. I am mother fucking furious. This means he has uninstalled signal again. (It could just mean his phone is off but I’m convinced it’s not.) So I start sending the most immature and mean text messages to his phone and through the signal app and I even email him to say how much I hate his guts and what an extra piece of shit he is. I am livid. The reason this is extra insane is because he has not replied to even one of my text messages for months. My number has been blocked off and on and when it’s not I’ll see that he has received and read the message but still, silence. The next morning I write out a paragraph of words I must remember when I call and leave him a scolding voicemail. I do tone it down a bit and actually am aware that writing them in the first place is probably enough, but of course I follow through with my super crap plan anyway. A little while later I noticed my signal messages have gone through. So his phone had been turned off. I still don’t know if he actually saw the messages. If he did he most fucking definitely blocked my number again.

…….continued