Newsletters From Manhattan — Cloudy Day

Cloudy Day

I want so badly to text Josie’s mom and share an itunes link “Here’s a song for Josie,” like I used to when I’d hear a new song I knew she would like.

It’s called Cloudy Day and it’s by Tones and I. She just put out a new album and we used to listen to her first one over and over and over in the car when Josie was around 2. The song “Jimmy” was the very first song she knew all of the words to and she would yell sing it in the backseat. And in the bathtub. Her mom hated it.

It’s a really depressing song.

I had started making a poster for myself to remember Eliot’s bedtime routine.

Instead of just a list of tasks I drew pictures of them. A pile of Ice Cubes that said Ice Packs (and abolish ice in the melted part) A phone and laptop with a giant cord plugging into an outlet. A remote with a question mark. A med bottle with little pills inside. A CPAP mask. A big bottle of Miralax with the poop emoji on the front.

Grab some Ice Packs

Charge Electronics

Where’s the remote? (for his adjustable bed)

Take nighttime meds

Check water in CPAP machine and turn on

Two capfuls of Miralax for a nightcap

The whole time Eliot thought it was for him. Of course, because everything is for him. He kept trying to add things and micromanage the list. I should add ‘Put pajamas on’. Dude I don’t need to be reminded to put your pajamas on, YOU KNOW you have to put them on when you go to bed. In a little whiny voice he said “But sometimes I forget?”. NO YOU DON’T. I told him the poster was for me and whatever other home care person might need it and he for real said, “Not for confused Eliot?”

I was getting serious about the poster. Like ADHD serious. It had to be perfect. I had already started over once and had markers strewn all over the floor. Eliot was doing something administrative or obsessive at the table. There were neon sticky notes everywhere. I got out my bluetooth speaker and started playing Frazey Ford from downloads on my phone. I’m on Sam and Molly’s Apple family plan so I get unlimited songs. Someday I suppose they might cut me off. When Josie was probably 1 we used to listen to Frazey Ford in the mornings and draw our separate pictures on the floor. I think I played her first album every morning for a week or two straight. Josie liked it too and it fit our sleepy morning atmosphere.

Those memories played back in my head while I colored in the half moon that took the place of the D in Bedtime.

***After I finished writing this I sent the text message. I ended it with “I hope you all are well.” and a heart emoji. Today I got a reply from Molly that said, “Thanks for sending the song. Will play for Jo.” Then I got an email from Apple saying YOU ARE NO LONGER PARTICIPATING IN FAMILY SHARING. Your family organizer has removed you from the family group.

…….continued

My library is an archive of longings. ~ Susan Sontag